I Dive, I Dive

There seems to be no right or wrong
My brain is like the muddled water in a disturbed pond
I seek a closure
From this exposure
Some form of understanding 
From this doubt demanding
While my heart stays numb
And my soul in tears


I put so much hope into us
and the bliss dissipates to ashes and dust
Maybe I thought you could understand me
And teach me what it means to love
Maybe I hoped that you could forgive me
and help me to leave my past behind and rise above


I fought so much of my confusion for so long
To keep my heart unaffected and remain
But words cut like a blade
With my memory stained
I became defeated by you
Feeling imperfect, unforgiven and worthless 
how could I hope to stay
how could I hope to stay


But I'm still here
Drenched in the memory of you
Soaked to the bone
My heart and my soul yearn for you
I have made you all I know
My thoughts of you are all I know
I have no comfort in anything
No solace to find
I'm spiralling and losing myself
Why did this go wrong?
Why am I wrong?
Why am I alive?
Defeated
I dive
I dive
I hope one day you can understand
I hope I can live and survive
Dive, Defeated, Die?
or
Live, Love, Endure, Survive.....

only so much

There is only so much that the heart and soul can go on bleeding

There is only so much that the body can go on needing

The mind then overcomes desire and the memory of rapture fades

A lover no longer loving, forces the other to fall away

Logic spiraling downwards

Karmic reactions pervade

The pebble into the pond of life

It’s ripples are tidal waves you can’t escape

The depths of ourselves  have been shaken

And neither of us could comprehend

How could we do this to each other

Our truths were not our friends

There’s a chasm created

And a hole in our souls survives

Could god bless us with understanding?

Could we one day become wise?

The confusion of it all has hurt us

We did not mean for each other to feel this pain

But being true to ourselves is important

That’s why I could no longer bleed and remain

Poui in Bloom

Poui in bloom,

Pink and yellow flowers scattered in the breeze,

In my memory I am searching for you,

But you fly away like the blossoms of these trees

You were there with me at my side

Just a short time before

You held me close and kissed me dearly

But you don’t any more

You say that I’m too attached

And that my affection pushes you away

But I keep giving though I don’t receive

The depth of my pain grows with each day

I’m numb now, and it feels like we’ve grown apart

You fade more and more each day

And so I see the fractures in my breaking heart

You’re not the same person I first kissed

There is only emptiness where there should be bliss

I’ve lost the love who held me at first sight

I’ve lost the promise you gave me with your eyes

the view from my heart

People may speak about their first love or their second or their last
but I prefer to look upon each love as a love unto itself
unique in itself
having no comparison
no equal and no other
they are the only eternities we have in our mortal lives
for they touch through our hearts to the depths of our immortal souls

within from without

This poison within has festered from without

Now it borrows deeply coursing through the veins of my soul

I’ve changed my mind many a time

But never in my life have I been as lost as this

I’m adrift without a sail, without a rudder

Just holding onto my heart and my soul

Up and down I go

I just want to catch my falling self

Up and down I go

This turbulence of being

This turbulence of stress

Looking within, I say let it go

Praying within, I say let it flow

Crying within, I see the cracks

Bleeding within, I know I can never go back

I can never go back to the man I once was

I need to walk forward to the man I must become

Eyes Can Speak

If only eyes could speak
The truth it would reveal of our hearts
When your gaze met mine
Our souls entwined in our thoughts

Thee

As the waves crash on the shore,
Another is being born in the sea.
The tides move to the beat of my heart.
My soul resonates to the sound of thee.


Yet I feel helpless to run the devil 
and path the deep blue sea.
Would I? Could I ask God to make real,
what my heart feels is meant to be?


Brought to tears, by selfish fears 
and in the end I know I need to tame this wanton resolve.
Grant me the patience to wait, 
and the strength of faith to let go, 
let love and live life above all.